I didn’t really expect any answers from the Lord, nor did I feel none too deserving of them after my afternoon of hatred…I only hoped for a miracle. Now that I look back, I see that one did come, but I certainly didn’t recognize it as such. I simply felt in my heart an intense desire to read 1 Peter 4 and 5. That’s all. And suddenly I realized my body was shivering in the cold evening light. And I remembered Sarah. I rushed back to the house only to find her sleeping on our bed. Maggie was nowhere, and I sorrowed again for leaving Sarah the task of dealing with our daughter’s lifeless body. I lay down beside her on the bed and enfolded her in my arms, pulling the comforter over my chilled body. She awoke, but still we laid there for hours.
It was about two day later, as I sat staring into the fire one evening, reminiscing, when I recalled the whispering to my heart by the oak tree. I quickly stood and reached for the Bible upon the mantle of the fireplace and turned hastily to the New Testament. I skimmed the verses in 1 Peter chapters 4 and 5 and then settled back to ponder them more deeply. Though it didn’t make the loss of Maggie any easier, I felt all at once reproached…loved…humbled. The Lord spoke peace to me through those verses and comforted my lonely heart with a feeling of love more intense than I had ever known before.
Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you. But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings, that when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad with exceeding joy. If ye be reproached for the name of Christ, happy are ye, for the spirit of glory and of God resteth upon you…wherefore let them that suffer according to the will of God commit the keeping of their souls to him in well doing, as unto a faithful Creator.
…be clothed in humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time. Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.
February 28 – The days seem to be slipping past me without my awareness of them. Some things I do out of habit, such as taking care of the animals, but usually night falls, and I can’t remember what I’ve done all day long. My heart yearns for Maggie. Sarah is heartsick as well. She walks around the house picking up a spoon, or doll, or book and holds it gently yet firmly to her heart. I’ve watched her stand in this position at times for at least a half an hour totally oblivious to me as well as to her surrounding and then suddenly, as if something startled her, she continues doing whatever it was she had been doing. Both of us are struggling with a deep inner anguish and longing that won’t go away. I think it will be good for the baby to come and give us, Sarah especially, something to focus our thoughts and energies on. I don’t mean that I want us to forget about Maggie and get on with life. That can’t be done. We just somehow need to get on with life in the midst of our memories.
